We never lost him!
As most of you know we have Baby Loss Awareness week (9-15 October). Almost all week I was struggle if I should write this post or not. In the end I decided to share my story with you. I hope it will help other people who lost a baby.
I know that you probably think that I’m one of this mothers who lost their little ones. Honestly, I’m not. But I have something to say. Three years ago I became a godmother of beautiful boy. It should be something that bringing a joy in to your life. But it wasn’t. OK maybe I will back to beginning. My sister delivered her son in 26th week. It wasn’t so bad according to doctor. Unfortunately he weighted only 650 grams. What I can’t understand is why nobody saw it when she had scans. Maybe if we knew we could help him? There is million questions. But surely there is only one thing that I know in one day our lives changed forever.
Our little boy was very strong and he was fighting. Every day he was showing us that he want to live. He got sepsis…twice. But still he was managed to fight. Before I couldn’t imagine how little baby can be strong. Unfortunately there was too many thing which get him. After two months he died.
I don’t need to say how devastated my sister was. Our whole family was. Apart my sister and her husband I was the only one who saw him before he died. Obviously in hospitals they don’t like crowds. And other members of my family said that it’s too much for them and they didn’t want to see him. I know why and I understand them. From the first days doctors said that probably he will not make it. Of course we didn’t want to hear it but we knew. Finally we was scared that we will get use to his presence.
Anyway when I saw him I felt in love. He was so small and innocent. I was crying, praying and asking why. Why my sister, why my family, why our little boy. He deserved to live. He deserve to be loved. I bet that every family who was in that position felt the same.
When he died I wrote a letter to him and ask my sister to put it to his coffin. You can laugh but I believe that one day he will read it. He need to know how much his aunty loves him. Also I believe that he takes care of us. You maybe will ask how I know that? My sister was told that she will not have more babies. He should be the only one. But today after three years she is a mother of beautiful girl. She is in the same age us my little boy:) I think that he send us that little miracle.
What’s more I think that from time to time our little angel is coming to visit us. Because how you can explain that my son is smiling to ceiling? Simple his little cousin is here and playing with him. I told that to my sister and she said that she thinks that he is coming to his little sister as well:)
Believe or not but he is our guardian angel. And…we didn’t lost him. Maybe he is not on the planet Earth but he live somewhere there up up in the sky. And he is waiting for us. One day we will be together.
If you lost your baby remember that you are not the only one. Your all family lost that baby. Be with them, talk about it. Don’t push yourself in black deep depression. It’s important to know that our little angels are always with us. It doesn’t matter in what form.
Please feel free to share your stories in comments.