Family Lifestyle

World breastfeeding week- my feelings

Today it’s the last day of World Breastfeeding Week. For the last couple of days, I’ve only seen how breastfeeding is good and how bad Mom you are if you do not do it. Yes, every person in the world knows that breast is best. If you are breastfeeding you giving your baby best start. So it’s obvious that every Mom should do it or at least try. But what if you were planning your whole pregnancy to breastfeed your baby and you end up with formula? I will share my feelings with you.

My labour didn’t stick to my birth plan. In fact, everything went differently. I was afraid that they will send me home and they did. I had a contraction every 5 minutes but it wasn’t enough to keep me in the hospital. But yeah it’s not my birth story. So after I gave a birth I felt like a shit. But I still wanted to breastfeed. I was really stressed because when we were leaving the hospital the midwife told me I need to be careful because if my son will lose 10% of his weight I will need to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why she told me that but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was terrified. So when my son was on my breasts for 4 hours during the night and still crying for more I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. I asked midwife she said he is attaching correctly and I need to keep trying. That’s it.

I was really stressed because when we were leaving the hospital the midwife told me I need to be careful because if my son will lose 10% of his weight I will need to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why she told me that but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I was terrified. So when my son was on my breasts for 4 hours during the night and still crying for more I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. I asked midwife she said he is attaching correctly and I need to keep trying. That’s it.

I’ve decided to express milk to see how much he is drinking. The electric pump didn’t work for me. I could express more with hand one. I was taking my baby on the breast and was expressing every 2 hours. I was doing it for 2 months because I wasn’t able to express more than 90 ml per day. I was really depressed. I asked once again my midwife what to do because I think I don’t have enough milk. She touched my breast and said that I have a milk. After that, I fed up and stopped asking for any help. I’ve started being more depressed. I was expressing like a stupid because I wanted to give my baby what’s best. My nipples were bleeding but I didn’t want to see it because I didn’t want to stop trying.

I forgot about myself. I was crying and felt like a crap. I kept saying that I’m bad Mom because I’m not able to feed my baby. My husband said I can’t do it to myself and my son needs a happy Mom. So he went shopping to buy a formula. And after our 2 months battle, we were defeated but it wasn’t the end of the world. In the end, my son wasn’t hungry, I stopped to depressing myself and I could start to cherish my motherhood journey.

Sometimes I still think that maybe I should try more. Especially when I read other Mom’s blogs about their happy breastfeeding moments. We have the world breastfeeding week and everybody say how good it is for you and a baby. When I see it in my head is only one question ‘Am I good Mom? Maybe I quit too early’? But on the end of the day I know I am the best Mom for my son. He is a happy little monkey. I’m proud to be his Mom. I made a decision which makes us happier. I made a decision which suits my family. Unfortunately not every Mom can breastfeed and we should remember about them as well.  They shouldn’t feel like the worst Moms.

Remember that if you are struggling with breastfeeding you can ask for help. If your midwife is not giving you enough support there are so many supports groups ready to help you.

 

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11 Comments

  • Reply Karen Lizarraras

    I want to give you a hug! I didn’t breastfeed my oldest and I beat myself up over it so much. This time around I was able to continue with my second and there are times I play with the idea of what if I hadn’t. There is so much pressure from everywhere to breastfeed and shaming if we don’t. I have done both and both my kids are great and happy because I did what I needed to do at the moment to be happy. Thank you for sharing

    8 August 2017 at 20:08
  • Reply Amanda

    Thank you for sharing this. I was not able to breast-feed either. You’ve inspired me to write a post about my struggles and unique situation.

    9 August 2017 at 03:00
  • Reply Misty Nelson

    Wonderful nursing post! I had such a hard time with breast feeding and I had so much guilt, so many regrets. Looking back now there are things I would have done differently had I had the proper resources and known better. In the end, a happy healthy baby is what’s most important. We are always way too tough on ourselves
    Misty Nelson recently posted…Comment on Sweet Tea, Summer Reads and Something Yummy! A Recipe for Happy Moms by Sean MahanMy Profile

    9 August 2017 at 06:08
  • Reply Heather Johnson

    Every week is breastfeeding week in my house. My oldest nursed for 2.5 years. My second is still going at 2.75 years. My third is due in November and will also be breastfed. I just wish that breastfeeding were so normal that we did not need a special week for it.
    Heather Johnson recently posted…Bottombumpers Front Snap One-Size All-in-One Cloth Diaper ReviewMy Profile

    9 August 2017 at 21:16
  • Reply Chloe

    Every breastfeeding journey is different and it wasn’t until I became a mother that I realised that until you have walked in their shoes, then you really can’t make judgment on their decisions. We are still breastfeeding but I cop a lot of criticism and nasty comments. Mothers really can’t seem to win either way!

    10 August 2017 at 05:49
  • Reply Ho Tran Gian Thu

    So this must be what my mother felt like when she had me in her arms and fed me with sweet fresh milk. Stressful, but content. As a child, I just feel like I don’t deserve it, deserve such great love and effort from my mother when she, herself, suffers so much pressure.
    I’m still a teenager now, so I really have no idea of the wonderful feeling of breastfeeding my own child like you have mentioned. But your words are gradually absorbing me.
    Thanks so much for inspiring.

    12 August 2017 at 10:45
  • Reply mfoluwa

    I absolutely loved your honesty. There needs to be more talk around people who can’t breastfeed and encouragement for them, because I am sure every mother wants the best for her little one.e

    14 August 2017 at 14:47
  • Reply Annette, 3 Little Buttons

    Oh no. This made me feel like crying. I’m so sorry to hear you had this experience, just having a baby is stressful enough, let alone all the extras that they never tell you about. I’ll tell you a secret. I strongly believe that fed is best, NOT breast is best. It has to be right for baby and mum, and whilst there are lots of mums out there that will say – but you should have kept trying – that’s not always an option, be it by choice or otherwise. Like you, I had rubbish advice from midwives and a terrible postnatal ward experience which has me reeling even now. They really don’t help do they. #DreamTeam xx
    Annette, 3 Little Buttons recently posted…Never Let A Work Colleague Pressure You Into Ignoring An Office HazardMy Profile

    14 August 2017 at 17:32
  • Reply Tracey

    The same thing happened to me, not with one baby but with all four of them. I started off breastfeeding but found it so painful and wasn’t producing enough milk, I sat up feeding one of my daughters all night and in the morning she was still crying for milk. I didn’t feel any shame in giving any of them a bottle of milk as long as they were being fed! Thanks for linking up with #kcacols hope you can join us again next time 🙂

    14 August 2017 at 21:24
  • Reply Laura

    You’re right, there is so much support out there, it’s so important to have both a happy mum and baby, however they are feeding, thanks for sharing your journey #KCACOLS

    16 August 2017 at 15:28
  • Reply Madeline (This Glorious Life)

    This sounds very similar to my experience with my first, although I only lasted 2 weeks before we made the decision to switch to formula. I wish things had gone differently, but I don’t have any regrets, because I made the decision that was right for me and my family at the time. I did go on to breastfeed my second child for 13 months though, so it goes to show that each experience really is different! x #KCACOLS

    16 August 2017 at 18:47
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